Seasons

The seasons repeat themselves over and over. Our grown niece on Eddie's side got married, and the next day her grandfather died. Though his body lingered for a day or two, he was already gone. October 29. February 16 is his birthday. I would have taken a vacation day. I would have spent the day with him. The last one we spent together I made a sheet cake that morning, I had gifts wrapped and I took him to lunch where his big brother and his Mom and others joined us. I had no idea it would be the last. March 15 my father dies after a hospital stay. I knew he wasn't well. I didn't think he would die, I didn't think he would die that day. April 8 he dies. I died with him. Even in this moment I can feel it all coming back. My worry. My fear. The nightmare beginning. I have a friend who many years ago lost a baby girl. His then wife abandoned him and their child. He told me you can't count the days that come after, it's too much. It's too much to count. We're at 3. 3 for his Dad, 3 soon for him and my father. 3 for the years of turmoil. 3 for the years of crying. It's starting all over again. I can feel it coming in the grey clouds that are overhead today. It never stops. It never stops.