A Time Before Him

Yesterday I heard a coworker tell someone about his new son, "I'm having trouble remembering life before him." I can relate to this, as everything in life seems to start for me the day I met our boy. Did I tell you this? The story about McDonald's and the ultimatum. I'm sure I did. I can't remember life before him. Oh sure, I can remember days and jobs and friends. I can remember high school graduation and the funeral of my grandparents. What did I do before him? How did I fill my days and time and hopes and plans? MyFella dated me for 9 months before he introduced me to his little brother. That day was a surprise. He wasn't supposed to come to Memphis, and I hadn't expected to meet his little brother. I can't remember life before him. I was something of a modest whore with relationships that went nowhere. I spent a million dollars at a Mexican restaurant and gay bars and a $40,000 Nissan. I bought clothes for a man who would never love me and honestly I would never love - and that's a whole blog in itself. What did I do? How did Live? Maybe one small facet of struggling to live without him is that I forgot how. I forgot what to do if I'm doing for him. If I'm not thinking about vacation being places I could take him, accessible for him, places I could safely get him home. I forgot what to do if I'm not including in groceries what he can eat, what he likes to eat. I forgot what to do if I'm not thinking about what the three of us will do. Much like the father in the hallway, I can't remember a time before him.