Because I really should have find another topic besides grief

But my loss is the topic of this blog ~ Have you seen the capcut, the video, of Billy Bob Thornton talking about the loss of his brother? At any given time, he is 50 percent sad. I feel that way, in as much that the clutter of life - get up, get dressed, drive to work, stay at work, go home, watch the tablet, buy groceries, see all of that helps hide the empty from you. Too busy to notice it. The quiet will kill you all over again. There's no sound to fill the void. I have emailed today a museum and genealogy society in my parents hometown. I expect to get a polite no in response, but I have so much from their hometown and no way to care for it. A huge rustic plate cabinet. 100 year old roll top desk. Treasures of my parents, and what do I do with them? I couldn't sell them, I couldn't get rid of them. And now my home is filled with things that remind me of my parents. But my parents are gone. No one prepares you for that, and how could they? Do you know how many times I've been to visitations or funerals for the parents of friends? None of whom could have called me later and warned me what it would be like. Because you can't describe it. My Stevie is gone. If I had ever let that thought cross my mind, I would have pictured a very old me at the grave, ready to go myself, burying him. I'm 56. I might have another full 20 years to drag by day by goddamn day without him. My husband? That is always something I feel so guilty about. He lost his truest other part in the loss of Stevie. I feel a void, and how does my husband feel? I feel guilty for my grief. What are the things to get me through the next few goddamn days. Because do you know how people tell you "holidays are harder" and you think to yourself, HOW? How can it be harder than every damn day. And then the holidays come and fuck if they're not right. It's even harder. Fuck it all.